Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Ovenable?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m good, thanks.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.