CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
i did the math
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.