I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!