I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The glory of fall.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…