me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Bill is short for Billiam
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…