Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.