[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
You Might Also Like
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.