My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK