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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
We have a winner.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull