Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*