Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
what it’s like dating me:
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Got ya covered
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.