Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.