Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Fries, not lies.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.