me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
You Might Also Like
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Anyone want a chair?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain