Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days