Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…