Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.