My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.