All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
This made me chuckle cuz mood
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i鈥檒l be dead
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: I don鈥檛 want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn鈥檛 get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it鈥檚 shark week
Guy 1: that鈥檚鈥hat鈥檚 not what shark week is
My blood type is b hungry.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually