I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
catch me on valentine’s day like
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”