bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Encore…
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end