*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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ACED my prostate exam!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
When someone trying to leave me
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey