My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities