Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”