Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
You Might Also Like
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
This has made my week.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*