[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Never let them know your next move 😂
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.