“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?