Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious