Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Kids, do not try this at home!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim