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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?