There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.