[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Heroic Misunderstanding
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”