Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?