Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
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Jurassic park gets weird
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A woman drives into a bar.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?