Optional boss fight.
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Thursday
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website