I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Chemical wingman
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.