Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You Might Also Like
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative