My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Beware of fowl play.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.