There’s only one good girl here!
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”