I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.