No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*3.5 thank you very much.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Bit chilly again tonight.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*