My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?