I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there