*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?