I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”