commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Are these grass-fed oranges?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️