I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Hank is one in a melon.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
A duv-egg? In this economy?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Buying a well is money well spent.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.