My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.