me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
So that’s what we looked like?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank