A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.